Picking Up the Pieces
by Aruna Hart
Summary: "I don't know where I am. It's like I'm breaking into a million pieces and there's only one thing I remember, I have to save the Doctor." Clara's on an impossible mission when she realizes that she's not the only one in a million pieces, the Doctor's hearts have shattered and now she must bare the consequences. Spoilers for Season finale: The Name of the Doctor.


_I don't normally write song fics but I heard this song and I couldn't help but think of the Doctor. Please let me know what you think. BTW the song is by Paloma Faith and is called Picking Up the Pieces._

He cried today, my impossible man. I've never seen him do that before. It scared me, but I didn't let it show. I've travelled with him so much now, that I know there's sorrowful memories in his past, but I never ask and he never tells. It's dangerous, this friendship of sorts between he and I. I'm falling for him. I've fallen for him. He's like no man I've ever met before. No one else can compare. He's taken me to the stars, we've saved planets.

I'm in deeper than I realized. There's no way out. I think back on all the things we've done. His heavily accented voice calling me 'My love' at Sweetville echoed though my ears ever since. His persistence that the Tardis and I be friends. We're bonding; I can see the look in his eye sometimes. It's a small smile with a spark in his eye. I'll do anything for him, for us.

I love him.

River Song's quiet whisperings into my ear were annoying because frankly, who wants someone constantly hovering that close. But yet it was also comforting. She seemed to know what was happening and wielded a certain amount of authority. This aura about her diminished the shock upon the Doctor's declaration that she was his wife. A part of me died, but then hope resurrected. I knew the doctor. He would never, ever break a trust. He would never have brought me along, if River were truly in his life. I would trust in his judgment.

The moment I saw the white light glowing and twisting in the Tardis control room I knew what had to be done. If it meant saving him, I would do anything. I step into the light and it engulfs me hungrily.

Suddenly, I don't know where I am. It's like I'm breaking into a million pieces and there's only one thing I remember, I have to save the Doctor. He always looks different but I always know its him. Sometimes I think I'm everywhere at once, running every second just to find him, just to save him. But he never hears me. Almost never. I blew into this world on a leaf. I'm still blowing; I don't think I'll ever land. I'm Clara Oswald. I'm the impossible girl. I was born to save the Doctor. Now I'm just left to figure out one thing, the impossible task. Where do I begin?

Glimpses of his life flash before my eyes quicker than I can process them. With each fleeting look, an emotion pours through my veins. Two particular faces capture my attention more than the rest. The long angular face is very familiar. It's the man I've known. A strange sensation edges over me. It's not just the Doctor anymore, it's eleven. I realize with awe that I'm feeling his emotions and thoughts. He thinks of himself as eleven I think oddly. 'Don't be daft,' I chide myself. If you had past lives, you'd name each one too.

The other face is that of the one I know recognize as ten. Then more memories flood my mind. A blonde girl, pink and yellow dominates his thoughts. Love, protection, regret, fear, his emotions are massive and nearly overwhelm me. The words to a song randomly pop into my mind.

**Do you think of her? When you're with me?**

I think back to the time I entered the Tardis. The look in his eye. At that moment, I thought he was glad to have me on board, but know I know his real thoughts. Memories of Rose's first days in the Tardis were flashing through his mind.

**Repeat the memories you made together. Whose face do you see?**

I see the time in the submarine when we stopped the Ice Warrior. Trapped with a deadly alien and no way out. I realize then the entire time he had been drawing comparisons to the time when he and Rose were trapped in a museum with a Dalek and no way out. Dread began to pull at the pit of my stomach.

**Do you wish I was a bit more like her? Am I too loud? I play the clown to cover up all these doubts.**

Suddenly it made since why he was so desperate to have her and the Tardis get along. He was making me a substitute for Rose, and the Tardis had loved its former occupant.

**Perfect heart. She's flawless. She's the other woman. Shining in her splendor. You were lost.**

The true depth of his love of this stupid ape of a pink and yellow human was sinking in. It was beyond anything I could possible compare it to. Memories of everything that ten and Rose had done flooded my mind, right down to the last bitter moment of that fateful day on Bad Wolf Bay when he'd been torn from Rose's life. I suddenly realized the impossibility of my own situation.

**Now she's gone  
And I'm picking up the pieces  
I watch you cry  
But you don't see that I'm the one by your side  
'Cause she's gone  
In her shadow is it me you see?  
'Cause all that's left is you and I  
and I'm picking up the pieces she left behind**

I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut tighter than I had done in my entire life. I just wanted to be away from these memories of the one I could never be.

I melodic laugh filled my ears. I carefully peered my eyes open. I was in another time. This time it was MY doctor. The source of the laughter was my own. I didn't want to see this. Somehow, I knew what was to be and I didn't think I could handle any more revelations today. But then, today was everyday from now until eternity. I had given my life for the one I loved, the one I thought had returned the same feelings. But I was mistaken.

**I found a photograph behind the TV  
You look so happy are you missing the way it used to be?**

The Tardis was charging over the rift in Cardiff. I was taking the chance to clean up the massive living room we'd somehow managed to trash after that trip to the space amusement park. I watched myself though his eyes as I laughingly collected the popcorn that had been thrown randomly during the popcorn wars. Bits had made it behind the consol of the enormous hologram projector. I accidently hit a button and a picture of what I now know to be River Song and the Doctor appeared magically in 3D before our eyes. They were smiling and riding a camel across what looked like Antarctica with giant ice castles. I looked at him quizzically. He'd answered with a 'just a snap shot from a research study' and while averting me with his eyes, switched the projector off with his sonic. Now I knew the truth. It was the picture from his and River's honeymoon.

**And I have changed this room around more often lately  
It's clear that we and these four walls still known as hers and yours.**

I can hear River saying the Tardis is perfect the exact way it is and to never change a thing. Now I understand the mysterious happenings in the impossible box. I remember all the times that I've painted the walls, hung art, moved furniture in the Tardis and somehow every time I leave the room and come back it's reverted to the previous color and setup. River loved the Tardis and it returned her adoration.

**Perfect part. She's flawless. She's the other woman. Shining in her splendor. You were lost.**

I see how the Doctor admires River. She's as close to a Time Lord as he will ever know now. She has spunk and isn't afraid. A little bit crazy helps too. But most of all, she's impossible, a being that shouldn't exist. But he called me his impossible girl!

Again, I see his love's demise as he stands by and watches helplessly, hearts breaking into a million pieces. I know that feeling; it's pulling me apart at this very moment.

**Now she's gone  
And I'm picking up the pieces  
I watch you cry  
But you don't see that I'm the one by your side  
'Cause she's gone  
In her shadow is it me you see?  
'Cause all that's left is you and I  
And I'm picking up the pieces she left behind**

I see images and memories of all his past companions, some more loved than others, but all unified by a common factor: everyone eventually leaving, breaking his hearts.

**Are we liars in denial? Are we smoke without the fire? Tell me please is this worth it? I deserve it.**

I didn't realize. I thought I was special. Now I'm reduced to saving him throughout time so he can love them.

**'Cause she's gone  
And I'm picking up the pieces  
I watch you cry  
But you don't see that I'm the one by your side  
'Cause she's gone  
In her shadow is it me you see?  
'Cause all that's left is you and I  
And I'm picking up the pieces  
She left behind**

I soften the blow as best I can when Rose and River leave his side. Through my tears, I try to help ease his sorrow and loneliness.

**Ooh, I'm picking up the pieces  
Of a broken heart  
Who will save them?  
Who will save them?  
**

I've saved them all in his time stream. I've accomplished my mission.

**I'm picking up the pieces  
Ooh, I'm picking up the pieces**  
I've glued the broken strands together. His hearts have been pieced back together I only have one thought left.

**Somebody save me  
Somebody save me**

Who will come to save me?


End file.
